Normally horrible viruses that make you hurl aren’t exactly thought of as…well, teachers. But, in my case, that’s exactly what coming down with the chills and projectile … (OK, you get the point) did for me.
It’s been a while since I’ve been really sick. I used to get sick often before a lot of major shifts happened in my life. Nowadays, it’s a rarity.
When the bodily aches and pains of the bug gripped me…so did something else. Can you guess what it was? Probably not. Because it’s totally crazy!
Shame. And, inadequacy. Feelings of, “It’s all my fault” and “I can’t even take care of my Son now”. Alone.
Hold up! What?! Why the heck would that happen to me? Even as I was spiraling down with the physical pain and the mental chatter, I was curiously aware that my thoughts were not my own.
They were a part of some story that I’ve been telling myself throughout my life. A worn out record on repeat.
Why now, though? Why when I’m sick, and unable to get off of the bathroom floor?
Ah, love, because I HAD to be still. There was no working on my business, or going to the grocery store or doing ANYTHING but being still. My body demanded it.
Thus, the thoughts rushed in. Those pesky thought gremlins that don’t surface until we allow them to. Until we get silent enough to deal with them. To release them, lovingly. To get curious enough to unfold their origin.
I am so in awe of the forgiveness that still needed to happen in my heart over past hurts. Even after so many rounds of “forgiveness work” that I now do like daily hygiene. Like brushing your teeth.
Forgiving myself, in many instances.
Memories of being left overnight by myself after surgery. Being little and sick, not able to tell my Mom I needed her. Because…I had to be strong? Why? Who knows.
Feeling such a strong sense of responsibility to my Son, that being sick and unable to care for him seemed like torture.
Ultimately, hating weakness in myself. My emotional reality at the time was that being sick was weak. And, by association, me with it.
Finding the Silver Lining
WHOA! Seriously…whoa! Now that I make it a regular practice to tune in with my emotional reality, with what my mind and body are trying to tell me and truly get curious… it speaks up a lot.
I feel things with such strength, even the not-so-pleasant things.
I’m thankful that I got sick. Really, I am. Because I had no freaking clue I was holding on to some of these things.
Being down and out physically actually dropped defenses I didn’t even know I had up. Stories that I no longer want on repeat.
Affirming & Anchoring
I am surrounded by love. It’s OK to be still. It’s safe for me to be sick. It’s OK for L to be taken care of by people that love him. I am deeply cared for.
I made an audio about Joy right before this happened. Then I found myself in such an opposite position of Joy that it was almost comical. It was as if the universe were testing me. OK, Jess, you sing the praises of Joy…how are you going to feel with a horrible stomach bug?
Haha! It made me laugh at myself. At the situation. Because, duh. Even joyful people get sick! In all seriousness though, when we have a breakthrough, shrinking often happens afterward. We adjust to a new normal.
I’m not super jazzed about having another hard lesson like that. Especially one that includes stomach cramps that rival childbirth. But, I hope this has helped you a bit too.
Do you feel you have some stories in your life that keep playing out? Are you aware or unaware when the “mental chatter” hits in times of distress? Comment below to share, love.
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